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Correction/expression écrite
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Message de scop28 posté le 29-01-2019 à 21:45:21 (S | E | F)
Bonsoir,
pourriez-vous m'aider à corriger mon texte?
Merci d'avance.
I have done this work in the aim to denounce capitalism and specifically American capitalism which rises up a little part of the population (who are the large corporations). Policies that are in favor of this system practice a transfer of money from the poorest to the richest by their own laws which are also undemocratic. (In 2017, 41 millions of Americans lived below the poverty threshold.) We are seeing a real system of domination.
Moreover, capitalism is the cause of the mass production which destroys and uses the land resources to make more and more money. It encourages energy and food wastes. To illustrate the point, Americans waste 150 000 tons of food each day, to add at this we must remember that the USA has a serious obesity problem.
I have also mentioned the police brutality in the USA and the murders of black people. It is unfair to kill people unarmed even if they are suspected to get weapons. It might show the racism or the racial prejudices in the USA because black people were 25% of those killed despite being only 13% of the population. We know also that American police killed 1,147 people in 2017.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 29-01-2019 22:32
Message de scop28 posté le 29-01-2019 à 21:45:21 (S | E | F)
Bonsoir,
pourriez-vous m'aider à corriger mon texte?
Merci d'avance.
I have done this work in the aim to denounce capitalism and specifically American capitalism which rises up a little part of the population (who are the large corporations). Policies that are in favor of this system practice a transfer of money from the poorest to the richest by their own laws which are also undemocratic. (In 2017, 41 millions of Americans lived below the poverty threshold.) We are seeing a real system of domination.
Moreover, capitalism is the cause of the mass production which destroys and uses the land resources to make more and more money. It encourages energy and food wastes. To illustrate the point, Americans waste 150 000 tons of food each day, to add at this we must remember that the USA has a serious obesity problem.
I have also mentioned the police brutality in the USA and the murders of black people. It is unfair to kill people unarmed even if they are suspected to get weapons. It might show the racism or the racial prejudices in the USA because black people were 25% of those killed despite being only 13% of the population. We know also that American police killed 1,147 people in 2017.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 29-01-2019 22:32
Réponse : Correction/expression écrite de laure95, postée le 30-01-2019 à 18:34:21 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
I have done this work in the aim to (in order to plutôt que in the aim to)denounce capitalism
- capitalism is the cause of the (enlever the) mass production
- It encourages energy: on n'encourage pas de l'énergie.
- To illustrate the (this pas the)point, (article)Americans waste 150 000 tons of food each day,
- black people were (mettre un verbe plus précis)25% of those killed
- We know also: ordre des mots.
Réponse : Correction/expression écrite de scop28, postée le 30-01-2019 à 19:27:19 (S | E)
I have done this work in order to denounce capitalism and specifically American capitalism which rises up a little part of the population (who are the large corporations). Policies that are in favor of this system practice a transfer of money from the poorest to the richest by their own laws which are also undemocratic. (In 2017, 41 millions of Americans lived below the poverty threshold.) We are seeing a real system of domination.
Moreover, capitalism is the cause of mass production which destroys and uses the land resources to make more and more money. It supports wastes of energy and food. To illustrate this point, the Americans waste 150 000 tons of food each day, to add at this we must remember that the USA has a serious obesity problem.
I have also mentioned the police brutality in the USA and the murders of black people. It is unfair to kill people unarmed even if they are suspected to get weapons. It might show the racism or the racial prejudices in the USA because black people represented 25% of those killed despite being only 13% of the population. We also know that American police killed 1,147 people in 2017.
Est -ce mieux?
Réponse : Correction/expression écrite de laure95, postée le 31-01-2019 à 10:12:25 (S | E)
Bonjour,
Oui.
Réponse : Correction/expression écrite de scop28, postée le 31-01-2019 à 16:36:25 (S | E)
merci!
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