Cover letter/correction

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Cover letter/correction
Message de mathilde55 posté le 04-05-2021 à 09:11:11 (S | E | F)
Hello everyone!

Thank you for taking your time to help people!
I'm trying to write a cover letter for a Master's degree in France but ~~dispensed~~ written in English.
Here is what I came with.

Dear Selection Committee members,

With this letter, I’m applying to express my interest in the Master Biologie Santé mention Biology Cancer offered by your department.

Currently in the third year of my Bachelor’s degree “Sciences de la vie” at Université de Bordeaux, my school path has been punctuated by various professional experiences and bring me today at the gates of your Master’s degree.
After high school, I achieved an advanced technician's certificate in the agricultural field with an apprenticeship, thus building solid education associated with on-field practice. That’s actually how I first came across genetics. Afterward I worked two years as an assistant for disabled student. I had the opportunity to support a student during his first year of advanced technician's certificate mention « Analyses Agricoles Biologiques et Biotechnologiques », which strongly reasserted my interests for the scientific field.
At the end of this two years, I therefore joined the Université de Bordeaux for a Bachelor’s degree, already thinking of pursuing my studies with a Master’s degree and then a PhD.

If my first particular focus is for genetics, I’m also very interested in cellular biology and I recently discovered myself very curious for the bio-informatic field.
I wish to link these fields of interest with the societal issue of Cancer, in my studies as well as in my future professional carrier. For this purpose, I would like to be a part of your next year program, and then deepen the subject with a PhD before I orientate myself toward the research profession.

For all of these reasons, I would be very grateful for you to give me the opportunity to commit myself to this formation at your sides.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Sincerely,

Would anyone be available for a bit of proofreading ?
Thank you so much in advance!
Mathilde

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Modifié par lucile83 le 04-05-2021 09:19
gris + forum

Réponse : Cover letter/correction de trams, postée le 04-05-2021 à 09:58:21 (S | E)
Hello,

Here are the things I would improve

"With this letter, I’m applying to express my interest in the Master Biologie Santé mention Biology Cancer offered by your department.

Currently in the third year of my Bachelor’s degree “Sciences de la vie” at Université de Bordeaux, my school path has been punctuated (this sounds too French for me) by various professional experiences and bring me today at the gates (' Gates' doesn't work here) of your Master’s degree.
After high school, I achieved an advanced technician's certificate in the agricultural field with an apprenticeship, thus building solid education associated with on-field practice. That’s actually how I first came across genetics. Afterward I worked (missing preposition)two years as an assistant for disabled student( you can add a plural form here). I had the opportunity to support a student during his first year of advanced technician's certificate mention « Analyses Agricoles Biologiques et Biotechnologiques », which strongly reasserted my interests for the scientific field.
At the end of this( wrong pronoun, use the plural one) two years, I therefore joined the Université de Bordeaux for a Bachelor’s degree, already thinking of pursuing my studies with a Master’s degree and then a PhD.

If my first particular focus is for genetics, I’m also very interested in cellular biology and I recently discovered myself very curious (Curious doesn't work, Interest would be better) for the bio-informatic field.
I wish to link these fields of interest with the societal issue of Cancer, in my studies as well as in my future professional carrier. For this purpose, I would like to be a part of your next year program, and then deepen the subject with a PhD before I orientate myself toward ( This is too French for me ) the research profession (same here).

For all of these reasons, I would be very grateful for you to give me the opportunity to commit myself to this formation at your sides.

I may have forgotten things, so...

Regards,

Trams

Réponse : Cover letter/correction de mathilde55, postée le 04-05-2021 à 13:20:26 (S | E)
Trams, thank you so much for your feedback!

Following your advices, I changed " my school path has been punctuated by various professional experiences and bring me today at the gates of your Master’s degree" for "my educational background and various professional experiences bring me today to the Master’s degree you provide".
Does it sound better?

Also, I used "I recently discovered myself a soft spot for.." in place of "curious", but I'm not sure if it isn't a bit too informal. What are your thoughts ?

For the last one maybe this simpler form would be better : "before turning toward a research career" in place of "before I orientate myself toward the research profession".

Thanks again, your insights have been really helpful!

Mathilde

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