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Needing the correction/ for my writing
Forum > English only || BottomNeeding the correction/ for my writing
Message from patricien posted on 17-12-2023 at 11:58:06 (D | E | F)
Hello everyone, in this time I learn English myself and I'm aiming to participate in IELTS exams. I justwrited wrote this task 1 IELTS writing sample so that I need your help to perfect my writing.
Thank you in advance!
The bar chart compares the amount of leisure hours per week that males and females of five categories of employment status between 1998 and 1999.
Overall, both sexes enjoy free time regardless of their kind of employment status.
Except for two groups of part-time employment and housewives where only females take their time for leisure, with around and slightly over 40 hours per week for each one, respectively.
It’s obviously that men enjoy more leisure time than women in three other categories. Regarding unemployed and retired groups: these are two groups having the most free time, with over 80 hours per week are taken by men as compared to 75 hours taken by women to do leisure. The rest is full-time employed group in which males expend approximately 50 hours of leisure while females have nearly 40 hours per week for that, which is almost similar to the leisure hours of women in both part-time employed and housewife groups.
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Edited by lucile83 on 17-12-2023 12:01
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Message from patricien posted on 17-12-2023 at 11:58:06 (D | E | F)
Hello everyone, in this time I learn English myself and I'm aiming to participate in IELTS exams. I just
Thank you in advance!
The bar chart compares the amount of leisure hours per week that males and females of five categories of employment status between 1998 and 1999.
Overall, both sexes enjoy free time regardless of their kind of employment status.
Except for two groups of part-time employment and housewives where only females take their time for leisure, with around and slightly over 40 hours per week for each one, respectively.
It’s obviously that men enjoy more leisure time than women in three other categories. Regarding unemployed and retired groups: these are two groups having the most free time, with over 80 hours per week are taken by men as compared to 75 hours taken by women to do leisure. The rest is full-time employed group in which males expend approximately 50 hours of leisure while females have nearly 40 hours per week for that, which is almost similar to the leisure hours of women in both part-time employed and housewife groups.
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Edited by lucile83 on 17-12-2023 12:01
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Re: Needing the correction/ for my writing from gerondif, posted on 20-12-2023 at 13:32:09 (D | E)
Hello
Some of your sentences don't make sense because a verb is missing.
The bar chart compares the amount of leisure hours per week that males and females of five categories of employment status (verb ? used ? ) between 1998 and 1999.
Overall, both sexes enjoy free time regardless of their kind of employment status (if you put a fullstop here, the rest of the sentence will miss a verb)except for two groups of part-time employment and housewives where only females take their time for leisure, with around and slightly over 40 hours per week for each one, respectively.
It’s obviously (either you use the adverb : Obviously, men enjoy..., or you use the adjective : it's obvious that men enjoy...) that men enjoy more leisure time than women in three other categories. Regarding unemployed and retired groups, these are the two groups having the most free time, with over 80 hours per week
Your sentences are long and people have to read your sentences several times to see the overall meaning.
Re: Needing the correction/ for my writing from patricien, posted on 31-12-2023 at 15:37:41 (D | E)
Merci beaucoup pour votre correction, Ms(MMe) gerondif
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