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Lettre de motivation/correction
Message de mixas posté le 22-12-2009 à 23:04:52 (S | E | F)
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Modifié par bridg le 23-12-2009 06:19
Divers
Message de mixas posté le 22-12-2009 à 23:04:52 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
Portant un vif interêt à la culture britanique, j'ai décidé de poursuivre mes études en Angleterre. Ainsi, une lettre de motivation est exigée. Une lettre qui doit etre en anglais. C'est dans cette optique que je solicite votre gentillesse afin de m'aider à traduire ma petite 'oeuvre' en anglais.
Voilà la lettre en question
Inscrit actuellement en Terminale scientifique, spécialité mathématiques au lycée xxx à Casablanca au Maroc, je prépare mon bacalauréat option internationnal (OIB).
Je souhaite poursuivre mes études et m'inscrire en Master Aeroespace dans le but d'approfondir mes connaissances, d’améliorer mon niveau et aller plus loin dans l’acquisition des principes qui régissent le domaine aerien. Mon attirance pour ce sujet se situe dans la logique de mes choix antérieurs. Ayant un esprit 'international', je devrais partir étudier à l'étranger.
Mon choix s'est rapidement porté sur l'Angleterre. En effet, l'Angleterre est reconnue pour son haut niveau de recherche, son prestige et son excellence dans le domaine scientifique (surtout aerospatial), mais aussi pour son art et sa culture, offrant une vie culturelle dynamique très épanouissante.
Aimant la recherche scientifique, le travail en équipe, ayant les aptitudes d'un challenger, je suis persuadé que cette formation me permettra d'atteindre les objectifs que je me suis fixés. En outre, je maitrise parfaitement la langue anglaise tant écrite qu'orale, je pourrais ainsi m'adapter rapidement.
Je souhaiterais vivement que ma demande de candidature soit retenue.
Veillez agréer , Madame , Monsieur, l'expression de mes respects les plus sincères.
Traduction que j'ai faite:
Join now Terminale science, mathematics specialist at the Lycee xxx in Casablanca in Morocco, I prepare my internationnal General certificate of Education option (Baccalauréat français OIB).
I wish to continue my studies and register in Master of Aerospace in order to deepen my knowledge, improve my level and go further in the acquisition of the principles that govern the aviation field. My attraction to this subject lies in the logic of my earlier choices. Having a spirit of 'international', I should go to study abroad.
My choice was quickly focused on England. In fact, England is known for its high level of research prestige and excellence in science (especially aerospace), but also for its art and culture, offering a dynamic cultural life very fulfilling.
Attracted by scientific research, teamwork, having the ability of a challenger, I am confident that this training will help me achieve the goals I set for myself. Furthermore, I master the English language both written and oral, so I could adapt quickly.
I sincerely hope that my application is accepted.
Je bloque pour la dernière phrase (phrase de congé) :s.
Je trouve ma traduction vraiment piteuse, j'y perd beaucoup de la qualité d'expression que m'offrait la langue française. Pouvez-vous m'aider?
J'epère qu'une âme charitable me viendra en aide. Merci d'avance pour votre dévouement.
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Modifié par bridg le 23-12-2009 06:19
Divers
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/correction de mixas, postée le 24-12-2009 à 13:52:34 (S | E)
Petit up. Votre aide serait vraiment appréciable vu que je dois bientôt envoyer la lettre T_T.
Merci d'avance
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Modifié par mixas le 24-12-2009 13:54
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/correction de mixas, postée le 25-12-2009 à 14:16:18 (S | E)
Toujours personne?
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/correction de mixas, postée le 20-01-2010 à 23:38:29 (S | E)
Enfin, ma connection internet est rétablie.
Je poste donc la suite de ma lettre de motivation (+modifications).
[b]-----------------------------------------------------------------[/b]
Watch, walk, run and fly. Despite being a little thing, birds taming heaven. As I was a child I have been interested in how it is possible and why. That was my first question of what engineering can teach me and it is carved [b](engraved?)[/b] in my mind ever since.
Guarantor [b](garant)[/b] of the good design and the quality by coordinating studies related to the development of new products and managing the plans and technical documents, I believe an engineer learns and do such more. He seeks (aspires?)to know how science makes the world go round.
Educated on a family of intellectuals, as the son of a professor (PhD) of university, my interest to genius [b](génie comme en français?)[/b] born and has been cultivated rigourusly. My parents have inculcated me the necessery spontaneity of this field, and thanks to this social support, I am able to affirm that I will have more than 15/20 in my baccalauréat.
Throughout my experience of life, I learned how to solve everyday problemes with scientific ideas like mathematics and physics which are subject attracted me.
I am currently senior in science at Louis XX French High School in XX, XX. I am preparing my international General Certificate of Education in Science (Baccalauréat français OIB série S).
I wish I could pursue my studies and register in a Master of Aerospace in order to deepen my knowledge, improve my level and go further in the acquisition of the principles and the fundamental laws in the aviation field. My attraction to this subject lies in the logic of my earlier choices. Having an international state of mind and education, studying abroad naturally appeals to me.
My choice quickly focused on England. As a matter of fact, not only is England known for its high level of research, prestige and excellence in science (especially aerospace), but also for its art and culture, offering a very fulfilling dynamic cultural life.
Attracted by scientific research, teamwork, having the abilities of a challenger, I am confident that this training will help me achieve the goals I have set for myself. Furthermore, I master rather honourably the English language both written and oral, so I could adapt quickly.
A proportion of my spare time has been spent in walking on the seaside contemplating so the wonders of a world who seek only to be explored. Besides, reading and writing are fields I passion for. Also like travelling, as it often stimulates my curiosity and broadens my perspective. These have given me a chance to test and discover more about myself physically and mentally.
With a basic knowledge of mathematics [b]( ça n'a pas l'air péjoratif?) [/b]and the oppurtunity to study in a subject I love (une peu trop sentimental?), [u][the fertillity of my mind will increase that][/u][b]( à enlever?) [/b]I feel I can excel in the university. I am determined to rich my goal to become an enginner with an internationnal career.
[b]---------------------------------------------------------------------[/b]
J'ai mis entre parenthèse et en gras ce qui me parait un peu flou ou ce qui me parait peut etre plus adapté au contexte de la phrase.
J'espère ne pas avoir commis d'erreures, si vous en trouvez merci de me la corriger ou de me la signaler
.PS: Toutes critiques constructives est acceptée biensûr.
PPS: Je dois envoyer demain matin la lettre, ce serait bien si...(vous devinez hein lol)
Edit, le bbcode ne marche pas, donc pas de gras( le [B]) T-T.
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/correction de saron_d, postée le 21-01-2010 à 00:20:45 (S | E)
Watching, walking, running and flying. Despite being a little thing, birds taming heaven. [Je ne comprends pas ce que vous voulez dire ici] As
Guarantor [ce mot n'est pas utilisé - trouvez un synonyme] of
Educated on ["in"] a family of intellectuals, as the son of a professor (PhD) of university, my interest to [one is interested IN something] genius (génie comme en français?) - Non, pas ici. "Learning", peut-être? born and has been cultivated rigourusly. My parents have inculcated me with the necessery [orthographe] spontaneity of this field, and thanks to this social support, I am able to affirm that I will have ["get" (familier) ou "achieve a mark of"] more than 15/20 in my baccalauréat.
Throughout my experience of life, I have learned [si vous dites "learned" sans "have", cela veut dire que votre vie est finie, ce qui n'est pas sûrement ce que vous voulez dire!] how to solve everyday problemes with scientific ideas like mathematics and physics which are subjects which attracted me.
I am currently
I wish
My choice quickly focused on England.
Attracted by scientific research, teamwork, having the abilities of a challenger, I am confident that this training will help me achieve the goals I have set for myself. Furthermore, I master rather honourably ["have an excellent level in"] the English language both written and oral, so I could adapt quickly.
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/correction de saron_d, postée le 21-01-2010 à 00:26:51 (S | E)
A proportion of my spare time has been spent
With a basic knowledge of mathematics ( ça n'a pas l'air péjoratif? - oui, un peu) and the oppurtunity to study
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/correction de mixas, postée le 21-01-2010 à 08:04:06 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup por ton aide !
Par cette phrase:
Despite being a little thing, birds taming heaven. [Je ne comprends pas ce que vous voulez dire ici] As I was a child I have been [temps] interested in how it is [those things/actions are] possible and why.
J'insinue commencer ma lettre par un constat general, c'est alors qu'etant enfant j'observais les oiseaux et malgrès leu petite taille il domptent les cieux. Je me suis alors interessé à comment celà est possible et pourquoi.
Ce questionnement a été l'origine de la naissance de l'aeronautique, vu que les oiseaux ont été un support à ça, et que je me suis réellement posé cette question, je l'ai intègré en intro.
J'ai suivi tes remarques et voilà ce que ça donne:
Watching, walking, running and flying. Despite being a little thing, birds taming heaven. As a child I was[ au lieu de have been:temps] interested in how that thing is [au lieu de "it is"] possible and why. That was my first question of what engineering can teach me and it is engraved [ au lieu de "carved" ] in my mind ever since.
Accountable [ou "in charge of"? - au lieu de Guarantor] of [ pas de " the"] good design and [ pas de " the"] quality by coordinating studies related to the development of new products and managing the plans and technical documents, I believe an engineer learns and do much more [au lieu de "such more"?]. He aspires to know how science makes the world go round.
Educated in [ au lieu de "on"] a family of intellectuals, as the son of a professor (PhD) of university, my interest to [one is interested IN something] engineering ( j'hésite aussi avec "learning" - "engineering/learning au lieu de genius" au lieu de "genius") born and has been cultivated rigourusly. My parents have inculcated me with the necessary [orthographe, "required" n'est pas mieux?] spontaneity of this field, and thanks to this social support, I am able to affirm that I will achieve a mark of ["get" ?] more than 15/20 in my baccalauréat.
Throughout my experience of life, I have learned [si vous dites "learned" sans "have", cela veut dire que votre vie est finie, ce qui n'est pas sûrement ce que vous voulez dire! - en effet] how to solve everyday problemes with scientific ideas like mathematics and physics which are subjects which attracted me.
I am currently in my final year studing [ au lieu de "senior in "] science at Louis XX French High School in XX, XX. I am preparing my international General Certificate of Education in Science (Baccalauréat français OIB série S).
I wish to [ au lieu de " I could"] pursue my studies and register onto a[ au lieu de " in a "] Master of Aerospace course [ rajout] in order to deepen my knowledge, improve my level and go further in the acquisition of the principles and the fundamental laws in the aviation field. My attraction to this subject lies in the logic of my earlier choices. Having an international mindset [ au lieu de " state of mind "] and education, studying abroad naturally appeals to me.
My choice quickly focused on England. As a matter of fact, not only is England is [ rajout ] known for its high level of research, prestige and excellence in science (especially aerospace), but also for its art and culture, offering a very fulfilling dynamic cultural life.
Attracted by scientific research, teamwork, having the abilities of a challenger, I am confident that this training will help me achieve the goals I have set for myself. Furthermore, I have an excellent level in [au lieu de " master rather honourably "] the English language both written and oral, so I could adapt quickly.
A proportion of my spare time has been spent ["in" enlevé] walking on the seaside contemplating ["so" enlevé] the wonders of a world which [au lieu de "who"] seek only to be explored. Besides, reading and writing are fields I fascinate [ au lieu de "passion"] for. Also I like travelling, as it often stimulates my curiosity and broadens my horizons [au lieu de "perspectives"]. These have given me a chance to test and discover more about myself physically and mentally.
With an important knowledge of mathematics ( au lieu de " a basic knowledge " qui semblait pejoratif) and the oppurtunity to study
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Modifié par mixas le 21-01-2010 09:10
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Modifié par mixas le 21-01-2010 09:20
Réponse: Lettre de motivation/correction de mixas, postée le 21-01-2010 à 15:00:18 (S | E)
D'un point de vue stylisique vous preferez la lettre ci dessous ou ci dessus?
Watching, walking, running ad flying. Despite being small things, birds can tame heaven.
Already as a child, I was fascinated by how and why such a thing was possible.
Since then, this question remains engraved in my mind and I believe that the study of engineering can help me answer that question but also go beyond it.
An engineer is not only in charge of the good design and quality of the products he developes, but as a scientist, he also aspires to understand how science makes the world go round. Indeed, the egineering knowledge give the opportuity of doing such more than only build: understand.
Throughout my life I have learned how to solve everyday problems with the help of science, and in particular mathematics and physics, both of which I thoroughly enjoy.
I am currently studying a French Scientific Baccalaureat with English International option (Baccalauréat OIB série S) with a specialization in Mathematics at the "Lycee Louis XX". I trust that the scientific education I have received there will prove invaluable to excel in higher education. I therefore wish to pursue my studies in the scientific realm and read for a Masters of Aerospace Engineering at your institution. This will help me pursue my interest in aviation while also gaining a thorough knowledge of mathematics and physics in order to understand the principles of aviation and how these can be applied to the real world.
Having been brought up in an international environment, I have rapidly taken the decision to study abroad. England is for me an ideal place to study because of its high level of research and its excellence in the teaching of science. Moreover, while I received an intensive scientific education in the french system, I also got the opportunity to study the arts and humanities to a high level, and I therfore value greatly the fulfilling and dynamic cultural life offered by British universities.
Studying for the international option of the french baccalaureat means that I am studying in a fully bilingual environement. Moreover, the exams in english literature and history-geography are to A-level standards and I will thus have no problem in adapting to an english academic environment.
A proportion of my spare time has been spent walking on the seaside contemplating the wonders of a world which seek only to be explored. Besides, reading and writing are fields I fascinate for. Also I like travelling, as it often stimulates my curiosity and broadens my horizons. These have given me a chance to test and discover more about myself physically and mentally.
I trust that my academic background, my interest for scientific research as well as my passion for the subject I wish to study will give me the opportunity to excel at university. On the long term, I am determined to become an engineer and pursue an international career.
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Sinon pouvez m'aider a developper d'avantage le paragraphe dédié aux loisirs?
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