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Correction/Actors Workshop
Message de revapeker posté le 14-05-2011 à 19:24:55 (S | E | F)
Coucou tout le monde !
Pouvez-vous m'aider à corriger cette lettre s'il vous plait ?
Merci d'avance!
Dear director,
My name is xxxx. I come from Paris, in France.
I am writing today to show you my motivation, because I really want to register me in the “Actors Workshop” camp.
First, I am fourteen years old, and in next September, I will be on the 10th grade.
The Actors Workshop is a camp developed for teens aged 13 to 18, so I can go there!
Since I am a child, my dream is to go in New York City. So if I go in this camp, my dream could be realize.
I am fancy in performing arts: Dancing, painting, acting, drawing, sculpture are my hobbies but I would like to try others activities like photography, creative writing, and music. In the Actors Workshop, all activities that I want to do are proposed, except water sports, but it is not a problem because I can do it when I am in holidays with my family.
I do not have asthma so I can go in New York City even if this city is very pollute.
I hope that this camp will improve my English.
If I go to summer camp in the USA, I will be able to practise my English. It is why I take English lesson at home.
I hope to hear you from a soon.
Kindly yours.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 14-05-2011 20:09
Message de revapeker posté le 14-05-2011 à 19:24:55 (S | E | F)
Coucou tout le monde !
Pouvez-vous m'aider à corriger cette lettre s'il vous plait ?
Merci d'avance!
Dear director,
My name is xxxx. I come from Paris, in France.
I am writing today to show you my motivation, because I really want to register me in the “Actors Workshop” camp.
First, I am fourteen years old, and in next September, I will be on the 10th grade.
The Actors Workshop is a camp developed for teens aged 13 to 18, so I can go there!
Since I am a child, my dream is to go in New York City. So if I go in this camp, my dream could be realize.
I am fancy in performing arts: Dancing, painting, acting, drawing, sculpture are my hobbies but I would like to try others activities like photography, creative writing, and music. In the Actors Workshop, all activities that I want to do are proposed, except water sports, but it is not a problem because I can do it when I am in holidays with my family.
I do not have asthma so I can go in New York City even if this city is very pollute.
I hope that this camp will improve my English.
If I go to summer camp in the USA, I will be able to practise my English. It is why I take English lesson at home.
I hope to hear you from a soon.
Kindly yours.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 14-05-2011 20:09
Réponse: Correction/Actors Workshop de gerondif, postée le 14-05-2011 à 19:40:58 (S | E)
Coucou tous le monde ! pouvez vous m'aider à corriger cette lettre s'il vous plait ? Merci d'avance!
Dear director,(je pense que Dear Sir serait plus courant que ce titre "director")
My name is xxxx. I come from Paris, in France.
I am writing today to show you my motivation, because I really want (I would really like est plus poli) to register me (register tout seul ou join, ou to apply for) in the “Actors Workshop” camp.
First, I am fourteen years old, and
The Actors Workshop is a camp developed for teens aged 13 to 18, so I can go there!
Since I am a child(je pensais au départ que since signifiait puisque mais la correction suivante en effet me fait penser à "depuis" auquel cas c'est plus compliqué: voilà un modèle: I have always wanted to pilot a plane eversince I was a child), my dream is to go in(déplacement) New York City. So if I go in(idem) this camp, my dream could be realized(to come true irait mieux).
I am fancy in (I like I fancy)performing arts: Dancing, painting, acting, drawing, sculpture are my hobbies but I would like to try others activities like photography, creative writing, and music. In the Actors Workshop, all activities that I want to do are proposed, except water sports, but it is not a problem because I can do it(les sports sont au pluriel) when I am in holidays with my family.
I do not have asthma so I can go in New York City even if this city is very polluted .(est-ce très diplomate de faire remarquer cela?)
I hope that this camp will improve my English.
If I go to summer camp in the USA, I will be able to practise my English. It is why I take English lessons at home.
I hope to hear from you soon.
Réponse: Correction/Actors Workshop de sherry48, postée le 14-05-2011 à 19:43:32 (S | E)
Hello !
Dear director,
My name is xxxx. I come from Paris, (in) France.
I am writing today to show you my motivation, because I really want to register (me) in the “Actors Workshop” camp.
First, I am fourteen years old, and (in) next September, I will be on (different preposition) the 10th grade.
The Actors Workshop is a camp developed for teens aged 13 to 18, so I can go there!
Since I am a child, my dream is to go in New York City. (wrong tense)So if I go in (different preposition) this camp, my dream could be realize. (change the tense)
I am fancy (choose another word)in performing arts: Dancing, painting, acting, drawing,and sculpture are my hobbies but I would like to try others (no agreement needed)activities like photography, creative writing, and music. In the Actors Workshop, all the activities that I want to do are proposed,(perhaps another word) except water sports, but it is not a problem because I can do it when I am in (different preposition) holidays with my family.
I do not have asthma so I can go in (different preposition) New York City even if this city is very pollute.(tense)
I hope that this camp will improve my English.
If I go to summer camp in the USA, I will be able to practise my English. It is why I take English lesson(plural) at home.
I hope to hear you from a soon.
*words in parentheses without explanation can be omitted
However, I'm not an expert in British English !
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