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The curfew
Message from dvn44 posted on 03-10-2011 at 22:18:41 (D | E | F)
Hello,
Could you please check for errors in my narrative :
Sometimes there was a certain laxity in the curfew enforcement : some people were stepping across their threshold, exchanging a few words with neighbours, gliding down the street, hanging around at the corner until the grocery store half-opened its iron shutters to take them in. In the old city centre, around the market, the streets were mostly sheltered and almost as bustling as in ordinary days. There were even yellow cabs and other vehicles whooshing recklessly along the main roads.If the drivers, while flouting the rules of the curfew, stumbled upon a patrol car, even in a quiet day, either their driving license, or the keys of their vehicle or the latter on the whole could have been taken away. If they attempted to skirt the check, they might have got into more serious trouble.
Thank you
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Edited by lucile83 on 03-10-2011 22:21
Message from dvn44 posted on 03-10-2011 at 22:18:41 (D | E | F)
Hello,
Could you please check for errors in my narrative :
Sometimes there was a certain laxity in the curfew enforcement : some people were stepping across their threshold, exchanging a few words with neighbours, gliding down the street, hanging around at the corner until the grocery store half-opened its iron shutters to take them in. In the old city centre, around the market, the streets were mostly sheltered and almost as bustling as in ordinary days. There were even yellow cabs and other vehicles whooshing recklessly along the main roads.If the drivers, while flouting the rules of the curfew, stumbled upon a patrol car, even in a quiet day, either their driving license, or the keys of their vehicle or the latter on the whole could have been taken away. If they attempted to skirt the check, they might have got into more serious trouble.
Thank you
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Edited by lucile83 on 03-10-2011 22:21
Re: The curfew from notrepere, posted on 04-10-2011 at 00:02:43 (D | E)
HelloIt sounds pretty good, but a few sentences seem a bit convoluted or unclear. I'm not sure of the choice of some prepositions in BE vs AE so I'll rewrite it in AE.
Sometimes there was a certain laxity in the enforcing of curfew: some people would step across their thresholds, exchange a few words with neighbors, stroll down the streets or hang out on the street corners until the grocery stores opened their shutters to welcome them in. In the old city center around the market, the streets were mostly sheltered and almost as bustling as in normal times. There were even yellow cabs and other vehicles whooshing recklessly along the main roads. If the drivers stumbled upon a patrol car while flouting curfew, their driver's license, keys or even their vehicle could be taken away. If they attempted to skirt the checkpoint, they could have gotten into even more serious trouble.
Sometimes there was a certain laxity in the curfew (1) enforcement : some people were stepping across their threshold, exchanging a few words with neighbours, gliding down the street, hanging around at the corner until the grocery store half-opened (2) its iron shutters to take them in. In the old city centre, around the market, the streets were mostly sheltered (3) and almost as bustling as in ordinary days(4). There were even yellow cabs and other vehicles whooshing recklessly along the main roads. If the drivers, while flouting the rules of the curfew, stumbled upon a patrol car, even in a quiet day, either their driving license, or the keys of their vehicle or the latter on the whole (5) could have been taken away. (6) If they attempted to skirt the check, they might have got (7) into more serious trouble.
(1) I'm not sure about the grammatical correctness of "curfew enforcement"
(2) half-opened is an adjective; a half-opened grocery store, for instance. I'm not sure it works in the context.
(3) I'm not sure what you mean
(4) I assume you mean in the days before the curfew. I think "normal" might be a better choice.
(5) Do you mean both their keys and vehicle?
(6) This whole sentence is a bit convoluted. It's too long and hard to follow.
(7) We'd say "gotten" in
which I know makes our BE friends cringe. gotten, gotten, gotten 
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Edited by notrepere on 04-10-2011 00:06
I think you're right, gérondif, upon second look.
Re: The curfew from gerondif, posted on 04-10-2011 at 00:14:45 (D | E)
Hello np (the devil has gotten gotten gotten into you! Yes, I wrote it and survived !!)
I think he meant in 5) "or the very car itself", "or even the vehicle itself".
Re: The curfew from dvn44, posted on 04-10-2011 at 11:23:33 (D | E)
Hello,
Thanks for all your useful comments about grammar and style.
I like both the US and GB versions of this narrative.
Let's focus on the following issues (edited by notrepere) :
1) curfew enforcement : I know we are used to saying the "law enforcement" ; maybe we could simply say " the curfew was slacking off"
2) I suggest to say : "until the grocery stores latched their shutters ajar"
3) sheltered : I mean the streets are safe. " the streets are mostly
safe"
4) Yes, in the days without curfew.
5)I mean the patrol could even take the vehicle away, if necessary. I mean the patrol coud take away: first driving license, then the keys, finally the very car (with driving license and keys).
6) Ok
7)You got it !
Thanks for replacing the past progressive tense with "would" in the second sentence, it sounds better.
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Edited by dvn44 on 04-10-2011 11:56
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Edited by dvn44 on 04-10-2011 12:01
Re: The curfew from notrepere, posted on 04-10-2011 at 17:23:38 (D | E)
Hello2) I suggest
No, I don't think that works. To "latch" means to "lock" which has the opposite meaning to the one you're trying to convey.
Re: The curfew from gerondif, posted on 05-10-2011 at 15:59:47 (D | E)
Hello,
You could also say something like:
until the grocery stores opened (lifted) their steel shutters half-way.
until the grocery stores had their shutters half-way up
Re: The curfew from dvn44, posted on 06-10-2011 at 14:39:45 (D | E)
Hello,
J'opte pour : "until the grocery stores had their shutters half-way up", pour garder l'idée que ces rideaux de fer étaient juste entrouverts.
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