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Correction /Tsunami
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Message de korimizu posté le 21-09-2014 à 18:42:05 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
Pourriez-vous me corrigez ce texte s'il vous plaît ?
Voici le texte : 1. The scene took place in a Brazilian beach a few days ago. A lot of people, sunbathed, swam.. But today, we will focus on a British family who spent their holiday here. This family consisted of a man, Jean-Eudes, his wife, Francine and their 2 sons, Jonathan and James. While the parents were reading, the boys played beach volley with their new friends. They looked very joyful but nobody known in advance what was going to happen....
2. Because suddenly, everyone felt a strong quake along with the water retreated quickly! Jean-Eudes, his children and the other persons were fleeing, nevertheless Francine was fast asleep. Unfortunately, his husband couldn't do anything, because the Tsunami was coming.. He started again to run away while his children were missing.
3. Consequently, Jean-Eudes was alive while his family died in the Tsunami . People who survived, were horrified, outraged and some person suicided. Francine's husband was tormented by his selfishness, why did he let his family die?
4. To sum up, Jean-Eudes is the only survivor in his family who died in the ocean. He would forever be traumatized by this event and he would stayed alone all his life .
In this story, I want to convey that no one is safe here, in your house etc.. Maybe we will die within a few minutes, we don't know..
Merci d'avance pour vos réponses !
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Modifié par lucile83 le 21-09-2014 19:00
Message de korimizu posté le 21-09-2014 à 18:42:05 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
Pourriez-vous me corrigez ce texte s'il vous plaît ?
Voici le texte : 1. The scene took place in a Brazilian beach a few days ago. A lot of people, sunbathed, swam.. But today, we will focus on a British family who spent their holiday here. This family consisted of a man, Jean-Eudes, his wife, Francine and their 2 sons, Jonathan and James. While the parents were reading, the boys played beach volley with their new friends. They looked very joyful but nobody known in advance what was going to happen....
2. Because suddenly, everyone felt a strong quake along with the water retreated quickly! Jean-Eudes, his children and the other persons were fleeing, nevertheless Francine was fast asleep. Unfortunately, his husband couldn't do anything, because the Tsunami was coming.. He started again to run away while his children were missing.
3. Consequently, Jean-Eudes was alive while his family died in the Tsunami . People who survived, were horrified, outraged and some person suicided. Francine's husband was tormented by his selfishness, why did he let his family die?
4. To sum up, Jean-Eudes is the only survivor in his family who died in the ocean. He would forever be traumatized by this event and he would stayed alone all his life .
In this story, I want to convey that no one is safe here, in your house etc.. Maybe we will die within a few minutes, we don't know..
Merci d'avance pour vos réponses !
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 21-09-2014 19:00
Réponse: Correction /Tsunami de here4u, postée le 21-09-2014 à 22:56:16 (S | E)
Hello !
blue = wrong ; green = suggestion for improvement ; XXX = missing elements .xxxx = you can do better ...
Voici le texte : 1. The scene took place in a Brazilian beach a few days ago. A lot of people, sunbathed, swam.(temps). But today, we will focus on a British family who spent their holiday here. This family consisted of a man, Jean-Eudes, his wife, Francine and their 2 sons, Jonathan and James. While the parents were reading, the boys played beach volley with their new friends. They looked very joyful but nobody known in advance what was going to happen....
2. Because suddenly, everyone felt a strong quake along with the water retreated quickly!(the whole sentence must be changed ...) Jean-Eudes, his children and the other persons were fleeing, nevertheless Francine was fast asleep. Unfortunately, his husband couldn't do anything, because the Tsunami was coming.. He started again to run away(word order) while his children were missing.
3. Consequently, Jean-Eudes was alive while his family died in the Tsunami .XXX People who survived, were horrified, outraged and some personS XXXXXX suicided. Francine's husband was tormented by his selfishness, why did he let his family die?
4. To sum up, Jean-Eudes is the only survivor in his family who died in the ocean. He would forever be traumatized by this event and he would stayed alone all his life .
In this story, I want to convey (the message)that no one is safe here, in your house etc.. Maybe we will die within a few minutes, we don't know..
A terribly sad and pessimistic story ... I don't really understand what happened to the wife ? Is she a survivor too ? or did she die in her sleep ?
A lot of tenses to correct ...it might make the story clearer ... Bon courage !
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