Motivation/syntax

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Motivation/syntax
Message from noaco posted on 12-05-2016 at 22:01:16 (D | E | F)
Hello everybody
I am seeking a master so I have written a cover letter in English, which is not my native language. In order to make a good impression, it can't contain any mistake.
Could anyone tell me if there is any mistake? Any advice to improve it is welcome too.
Thank you very much in advance.

4/27/2016
Dear Sir/Madam:
Given my chosen career path and my final thesis, I strongly believe that I need to enrich the knowledge I have acquired so far with the one offered by this Master of Science Course.
I intend to contribute actively in the current epochal change in order to implement substantial modifications in now obsolete processes, since this is the time when actions and interventions regarding practical solutions that will be adopted over the next few years are taking place.
In particular, I would like to have the chance of investigating the implementations that will allow the reduction of the sustainability costs in common production processes, which are the real obstacle to the change of traditional industrial dynamics.
For this reason, I wrote my thesis about XX, and in particular about how to apply the principles of sustainability in a specific production environment, in this case being that of a Server Farm having its industrial cycle placed within an Italian Eco-Industrial Park. In this work the possible solutions to make Data Centre processes natural are analyzed and evaluated, in order to understand where to intervene more efficiently to alter the regular production standards.
Additionally, my thesis work provides an analysis on parameters that can be useful to successfully measure Data Center sustainability and efficiency, not only through the study of energy inputs/outputs but basically by theorising the whole facility as immersed into a technosphere that keeps in count the whole flow of materials, processes and energy.
I expect, by attending this Master Course, to furtherly deepen my knowledge of those patterns, that allow to make conditions favorable to implement efficiently sustainability means in any industrial situation.
To conclude, I believe that the international environment that characterizes your university is essential and fits perfectly with my work and academic background. Most of my professional and academic life, I have spoken a language which was different than my native one, since most of those corresponding environment were mainly international.
Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours,

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Edited by lucile83 on 13-05-2016 07:14

Re: Motivation/syntax from gerondif, posted on 13-05-2016 at 12:03:41 (D | E)
Hello, mistakes in blue, suggestions in green

Dear Sir/Madam:
Given my chosen career path and my final thesis, I strongly believe that I need to enrich the knowledge I have acquired so far with the one offered by this Master of Science Course.
I intend to contribute actively in(to) the current epochal change in order to implement substantial modifications in now obsolete processes, since this is the time when actions and interventions regarding practical solutions that will be adopted over the next few years are taking place.
In particular, I would like to have the chance(opportunity) of investigating (to investigate) the implementations that will allow the reduction of ~~the~~ sustainability costs in common production processes, which are the real obstacle to the change of traditional industrial dynamics.
For this reason, I wrote my thesis about XX, and in particular about how to apply the principles of sustainability in a specific production environment, in this case being(I would replace that by "namely") that of a Server Farm having its industrial cycle placed within an Italian Eco-Industrial Park. In this work the possible solutions to make Data Centre processes natural are analyzed and evaluated, in order to understand where to intervene more efficiently to alter the regular production standards.
Additionally, my thesis work provides an analysis on parameters that can be useful to successfully measure Data Center sustainability and efficiency, not only through the study of energy inputs/outputs but basically by theorising the whole facility as immersed into a technosphere that keeps in count the whole flow of materials, processes and energy.
I expect, by attending this Master Course (I would put that in front of the verb at the beginning of the sentence), to furtherly deepen(sounds strange, furtherly doesn't exist. I would say, to keep on deepening, / to deepen even more / my knowledge of those patterns, that allow to make conditions favorable to implement efficiently sustainability means in any industrial situation.
To conclude, I believe that the international environment that characterizes your university is essential and fits perfectly with my work and academic background. Most of my professional and academic life, I have spoken a language which was different than (different from, different than is American and given as colloquial by the dictionary in line when you double click on the term, different to is given as British and colloquial too))my native one, since most of those corresponding environment(if those is plural, environments should be plural too) were mainly international.
Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

I find your sentences too long, sometimes we get lost before reaching the end.

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